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Most of our present day difficulties have
their roots in early childhood wounds that have not been attended
to. These difficulties arise from dysfunctional caretaking,
whether they be emotional, mental, verbal, physical or sexual
abuse or neglect. If our caregivers have not healed their
own childhood wounds, they will unconsciously pass them on
to you - the next generation. We teach what we learn. For
example, if your parent was controlled as a child, that parent
will automatically treat you with control. Or they may, in
reaction, become passive and raise you without boundaries,
or—so they can retain their passive role—choose
a controlling partner, who in turn will control you. The same
dysfunctional behavioral patterns get passed on from one generation
to the next. You can, if you choose, end this cycle of continual
wounding.
The more severe childhood traumas bypass
our memory banks, as a result of shock, and get lodged everywhere
else. What is usually most often recalled is the "tip
of the iceberg." This "lack of remembering"
makes it difficult for us to understand our suffering. Early
experiences may be remembered foggily, selectively, or not
at all. Or they may be denied, partially remembered but minimized
and rationalized away. However the signs and symptoms of abuse
are widely manifested. They may be reflected in a person’s
beliefs, values, hopes or lack of them. They can show up in
a person’s attractions, repulsions, compulsive habits,
anxieties, fears, panic attacks, depression, feeling "crazy
in the head", addictions; aberrant thoughts or sexual
practices, modes of dress, meditative states, fantasies, nightmares,
dreams, day dreams, feelings of unworthiness, acting out or
acting in behaviors, obsessions, paranoias, phobias, workaholism,
rageaholism, sexual avoidance or compulsivity, eating disorders,
body numbness, a sense of not inhabiting one's own body, not
feeling real, isolating behaviors, poor hygiene, excessive
bathing or hand washing, drug, alcohol or pot abuse, inability
to trust or form healthy relationships, and many forms of
illness or dis-ease in the body. These symptoms are waiting
for their stories to be told, believed, and addressed so they
can be released.
Emotional incest occurs when a parent emotionally treats a
child as a partner or triangulates the child in the marriage.
It also occurs when a parent infantilizes the child, over
controls, suffocates or over regulates the child. The parent
has not created room for the child to experiment and learn
from their own mistakes, nor has the child had the opportunity
to test their own sense of self or power, leaving them feeling
weak, lazy, incapable, or helpless, and a tendency to second
guessing oneself.
The consequences of this behavior leads
to an adulthood of impaired identity formation, including
feeling inadequate; passive, hopeless, distrustful of their
feelings and desires, fearful of separating and individuating;
and avoidance of situations requiring trial and error - which
is the foundational support of every movement forward. In
essence, emotional incest leaves one feeling unable to adequately
function without the parent and can also lead to an emotional
inability to work or hold steady employment.
With a willingness to engage in the work
of therapy, the sense of self and the trust in one’s
capacity can be re-honored and reclaimed. With a commitment
to your Self, you can develop the courage to take appropriate
risks, to put new awareness into action and resurrect your
life.
Sexual abuse and incest really happen, and it is widespread.
It doesn’t just happen to other people. Children of every
race, religion, and economic and social status are equally
at risk. The effects of incest don't stop when the abuse stops.
The symptoms fester throughout ones’ life and become
more embedded as we age.
Incest is any sexual behavior imposed on
a child by any family member. This also extends to respected
elders such as relatives, family friends, neighbors, doctors,
teachers or clergy. Incest includes suggestive or seductive
ways of speaking, looking or commenting directed at a child
or their body; fondling; invasive kissing, wrestling or tickling;
pressuring or tricking a child into sexual awareness or activity;
non medical enemas; photographing naked children; exhibitionism;
masturbation; oral or anal sex; or intercourse. Leaving pornography
in easy reach, telling dirty jokes in earshot of children,
sexually commenting about others, or hinting at your abundant
or lack of sex life to a child are additional forms of sexual
abuse.
Some red flags of sexual abuse in children
and adolescents can show up in self destructive behaviors
such as cutting the self; running away from home; hostile
or aggressive behaviors; promiscuity; sexual play with themselves,
dolls, animals or other children; copying adult sexual behavior;
displaying sexual knowledge beyond what is normal for their
age; urinary infections; unexplained pain, swelling, bleeding
or irritation of the mouth, genital or anal area, and suicide
attempts.
Abuse memories can show up in dreams, meditative
states, nightmares, and daydreams, and can be reflected in
phobias, fears, fantasies, attractions, repulsions, compulsions,
panic attacks, sexually compulsive or avoidant behaviors,
abberant sexual practices, and modes of dress.
Incest survivors need to know what happened
to them is never their fault. Incest is a severe abuse of
power. It is an adult’s responsibility to protect a child,
and not use them for their own ill purposes.
The more someone has been traumatized, the
more parts of the self split off for protection. At every
age in which we have been hurt, parts of the self split off
and become fixed in time. These parts can be typified as inner
children. Through therapy, these parts can be accessed
and given the care they need to be reintegrated into the core
self. As you begin to nurture, support and validate this child,
the child begins to grow and heal, and then so do you.
Sometimes, the trauma is so severe that
these parts, out of self-preservation, develop separate identities
and personalities. Once these personalities are given the
basic human requirements they need and have always deserved,
they begin to blossom and flourish. It is not necessary for
integration to take place. What is necessary is that every
personality, altar, or inner child be given the love and support
they need to become an integral, healthy part of the internal
structure.
There are many resources now available for
survivors to heal, including therapists skilled in incest
recovery. Allow me to walk with you through the pain. In walking
this path and healing this wound, you will find your love,
your power, your Self.
Ritual abuse is organized systematic torture perpetrated by
satanically oriented cults or groups (can also be a cult of
one person) in order to break the will of a child so the child
can be used for their own purposes. This includes extreme
sexual, emotional, psychological and physical torture as well
as mind control and human and animal sacrifices. Contrary
to popular belief, satanic and other cult activity is widespread,
and deeply undercover, in the United States and around the
world. In this country, more and more survivors are coming
to therapy, reporting the types of symptoms common to this
population.
This is not a new problem in our society.
It has been going on for time immemorial. The difference now
is that darkness of all kinds is being brought to the light
and exposed. As a result, many people are coming to therapy,
reporting the types of symptoms common to this population.
We are at a turning point in our evolutionary
history. We are either being called to heal the darkness we
have been exposed to or we are being asked to become conscious
and aware of the levels of darkness that exist on this planet.
Out of this healing and out of this awakeness, a new paradigm
based on integrity, mindfulness and respect for all life can
be borne. We are to witness and become part of that solution.
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